Reclaiming Miss Havisham

Smackdown at Apartment Therapy!!

Where do I even begin!  I am in such a good mood I'm so excited!  You guys know how much I love internet drama that doesn't involve me right?  Well part of the service I provide when you subcribe to this blog is I track down the sometimes subtle and often absurd drama that goes on in design blagland

First, let's get one thing out of the way.  There is nothing prissier than a design/decorating contest.  The only thing I can even come with as being more goofy is two men having a sissy slap fight over whose blouse is more frilly. Competition should be left to things like binge drinking and hot dog eating.  Naturally, these competitions tend to bring out the worst in people (and simply the worst people)

Nothing against these contests.  I may enter one myself someday.  I'd love the attention, let's be honest.  I also love following the small cool contest over at Apartment Therpay.  But wait...let's take a closer look at the winner of fourth place:

I really really loved this entry actually and most of the style of AT is quite different from my own.  Looking at those two pictures nothing really jumped out (excuse me, "popped out") at me as being particularly controversial.  Let's take a closer look at the comments:

"and the floorplan labels runs a little high on the pretention side...)"

"wow. and could it be more appropriate to have a religious icon among a shoe collection? I don't think so."

RMH: I believe the word this commentor was looking for was "inappropriate" and the answer is yes.  Yes it could be.  She could have her shoes resting among the severed limbs of Amy Butler.  Then where would you be, huh?!!!  HUH?!!

"i dont understand the 'heads of animals/antlers on the wall' hunting-lodge trend.
could someone clue me in, please? this is suddenly everywhere."

RMH: Yes if by suddenly you mean "since 2005" 

"The antlers over the couch kinda creep me out"

"And the antlers are creepy and gross. I would not want that karma literally hanging over my head."

"And while I generally hate the decorating-with-death antler trend, for some reason I love yours. The grid format is brilliant."

RMH: I would love to see an Elle Decor arrive with "Decorating with Death!" written boldly across the cover"

"The antlers bug me a little. The dead thing draped over the wing chair is creepy and gross. The buddha/boddhisatva in the shoe storage is plain offensive."

"That said, um, antlers? Honey, you live in a midcentury modernist icon, not a Caribou Coffee."

RMH: I hate coffee.  I do not get the reference nor will I respond to it.

"Nice. Original. A bit weird. But original."

RMH: you think THIS is weird?  Oh pull up a chair little timmy and let me describe for you where Miss Havisham lives (the blogger one not the literary one)  I can't wait to get photos together for my own personal house tour

"Sophisticated, yes, but would love a little pop of color here and there to make it sing. And the height of the tall lamp on the tall stack of books really throws me.

RMH: There are just so many things wrong with this statement...

"Still lots of dead things around. Now - I'm not some crazy vegan, PETA activist but I see no point in killing something, or displaying somethings dead carcass just for decorations. Shoes, coats, chaps (if you can pull them off) are fine - they have function. A dead skin draped over a chair? Call Hannibal Lecter."

RMH: Call Hannibal Lecter?  alright "Hey Doc, remember that time you used a chicken bone to pick the lock of your handcuffs and then ripped the face off of the prison guard with your teeth and then you put that face over your own face so everyone thought you were the prison guard and then in the ambulance you revealed it was you and the EMTs with that never noticed that your vital stats were totally fine for someone who just had their face supposedly ripped off and then you ate THOSE guys' faces off? That was scary.  Anyways, wanna hear something equally wack?  Some bitch in Chicago has...wait for it...a possibly fake animal skin over a chair in her apartment...I know right?  That shit is so fucked!  Anyways, good catching up with you doc.  Thanks for not eating my organs all those nights I slept with the lights on because of you"

Alright I won't make you read anymore comments and my snarky reactions.  But seriously I have never seen such outrage over something I thought we were all pretty used to by now, antlers.  Like with any trend, we've been hearing for years comments and quotes about people saying its "over" and "done" and "way too trendy and predictable" but you KNOW they are secretly hoarding them all over the place.  If people really were over it would I be able to type in "antlers" in the apartment therapy search engine and come up with the following:

I would also like to point out that the text accompanying each of these pictures has some mention of "this trend is so out/over/done/overexposed/tired" while at the same time mentioned where you can purchase said antlers. 

ALRIGHT BITCHES IT'S SO NICE OUTSIDE AND I AM OFF!!!! LOOK FORWARD TO PICTURES FROM BAY TO BREAKERS 2008!!!!

bust a move

In a more sinister turn of events, I'm adding bustles to all of my clothing.  You may refer to me from now on as Lady Francesca Worthington Chalmers

Bustular.

Tip of the iceberg

To give you a better understanding of the content of my genes (the content of my jeans I may show for a small service charge).  I just received the following e-mail from my sister.  The e-mail is copied to TWENTY-EIGHT people including her two year-old daughter whose gmail account was created for her while she was still in utero:

Ladies:

From here on out I would like to be called L.C. I feel that I bear an uncanny resemblance to Lauren Conrad (my Avon representative agrees) and since my Avon/mark.addiction has reached an unprecedented level, L.C. just "feels right."

I am slowly watching The Hills. I tivo'd a bunch of them as I have no life.

I love Heidi. Is there something wrong with me? While Lauren is nice enough, there is no doubt in my mind that there is a tape out there with her legs behind her head. Please let me know if I need therapy as I aligning myself with Team Heidi.

Thank you for your continued support.

L.C.

Rampant Greed, Mission style

Hello you fantastic bitches,

You may have heard that since my tax refund and G. Dubs money I've been ballin' like crazy.  I hit the Mission HARD.  I never buy anything so I think I was making up for a lot of lost time.  I was spending money like it was a bodily function.  I think it must be like the high compulsive gamblers feel.

I finally got to go to the famous Paxton Gate which was dark and awesome.  I actually didn't know that some people have problems with it as it carries taxidermy animals until I looked on yelp.  That thought didn't even enter my brain, to be offended by the dead animals. I did think "Damn, y'all those dead animals are 'spensive"

Other than some peacock feathers I picked up this little guy:

I kept forgetting he was in my shopping bag before I shoved my hands in there to dig around.  Getting pricked hurt like 8 bitches on a bitch boat.

They have a great selection of books I bought this one Rarest of the Rare: Stories Behind the Treasures at the Harvard Museum of Natural History

I love it when the lines blur between biology, art, and design (it happens more than you think if you are watching for it)

Let me just say that I would commit felonious non-violent crime if it meant I could have this little chest of tiny drawers (without the elephant bird egg)  I would do something more extreme than walking 2 blocks naked but less extreme than being an international drug mule or anything that supports PETA. 

our bodies are scary

I went and checked out Therapy (the store not the kind I need).  It was super modern but I liked these metal wall things I picked up:

Bought some thrift store scarves to deconstruct like mad

chairs!!

At the Curiosity Shoppe I spent too much on this novelty cell phone attachment that I had previously made fun of but only because I secretly really wanted it.  Here is the new cell phone set up.  I look awesome on the street talking on this thing:

I posted about these mustache men before and didn't realize they were made by a local artist that sells at the curiosity shoppe.  The card is just to have around for the next time I need it (probably soon).  As an american I have to be preemptive

mustache men etsy listing

The queen of San Francisco, Victoria (aka sfgirlbybay) wrote about a new store called the Bell Jar which turns out to be considerably amazing and not at all full of owls.

I bought some fancy decorative soap which I NEVER do but the packaging was so pretty.  I've warned my boyfriend that if he even THINKS about opening it and using it I will have him deported.

I love the one on the left so much.  My eyes can't stop going for it.  I think if I ever have a wedding I found my colors.  The blue is much prettier and closer to indigo in person with the red off-white and a touch of black.  I think it would make a really pretty party theme.   Yes.  I would  base my entire wedding on a bar of fancy soap.  Wanna fight about it? 

Finally, I hit up the Mission classic The Apartment which is not at all pretentious like I imagined.  I bought a 5 dollar frame for Party Bear from Art and Ghosts

Here he is in some mood lighting:

I had to cut the print which I felt awful about but what is done is done.

So yeah.  Consumerism rules.  Hey Mission, was it good for you?

Gonna eat the hell out of some pills

If you haven't already watched this, I beg of you to take 20 minutes to devote to watching the video of Young and the Restless Star Brenda Dickson give a house tour and fashion show.

If you want the bottom line I'll condense it for you:

"Do you like my gown?  It's very dramatic"

"phew that was exhausting"

"notice the slit?"

"snake and jeans is a great look"

"then I do my eyebrow pencil"

"lets talk about....exercise"

"this will be the answer to all your problems"

"they have stomach machines"

"This is so easy to make!"

I love the part of the video where she is cooking and it's so obvious she has never once prepared any of that food herself prior to the taping.

Images and general awesomeness from Brenda Dickson's official site

WTF?!: Marc Jacobs

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peacork

So this weekend is Bay to Breakers and I'm scrambling to get the team together with costumes.  I want us to be Clue...the board game and the movie but mostly the board game.  I'm Mrs. Peacock and I bought a dress on saturday while doing some impulse shopping. 

A few peacock feathers from Paxton Gate that I will work into a headband one way or another.  I wanted to go way more balls to the wall with the costumes but it looks like we're just gonna have to half ass it.  It's also really challenging to create a really good costume when you have to walk 7 miles in it all while binge drinking in the heat.  But if anyone can make it work, it's me:

I put a wrench in her lap, see.  God damn I should be a stylist.

My friend tells me I'm the worst photographer in the world.  She says she'll get really excited when she sees that I posted new photos on facebook and then look and see that it's just like a picture of a horse or something and it pisses her off.

The wikipedia paragraph about Mrs. Peacock:

"Mrs. Peacock is the stock character of grande dame. She represents an elderly woman who maintains her dignity in almost all cases in most versions. There are four different physical versions of her. The first being a rather elegant Queen-esque socialite (Original Cluedo). The second being an elderly old busybody who is dressed correctly and proper; a well-mannered prude (1972). The third being a middle-aged classy lady who is still retaining her looks (2000 UK), and the fourth being a younger lady, similar to Scarlet in some respects, though she is widowed/married (Franklin Mint). According to post-2002 Clue games, she is the mother (or sometimes stepmother) of Miss Scarlet, dragging Scarlet along for the ride, though this is debatable, leaving questions as to Scarlet's motive to kill Boddy/Black. True to her characterization, Mrs. Peacock is often portrayed as obsessed with breeding, "good society," manners, and wealth. Clue Master Detective reveals that she is an ornithologist, president of the 'Peacock salvation society,' of which she is founder and sole member, having single-handedly saved the logger-headed shrike. In the VCR game, she is given a more sinister persona as a kleptomaniac who kills off her husbands as a hobby. It is quite common to portray her as a woman who has been married and widowed at least three or four times, with Mr. Peacock/Sir Peacock being her most recent husband. Her husbands last little longer than a year and she is often responsible for their deaths."

Whip-Crackaaahhh!

Several of you (none) have asked me, "You sound like you must live a hilarious and awesome life!  I'd love to know what a typical day is like!"  And since I will assuredly never be asked to participate in the Dailies over at Design for Mankind, I have to do it myself.  Be your own awesome blog feature.  Lisa from The Pickled Hutch challenge me to write my 6 word memoir.  I never did it because I couldn't come up with anything.  I guess I'll go with that for right now:  Be your own awesome blog feature:

Miss Havisham's Day

6:00 am- alarm goes up.  jump out of bed ready to take the new day to the maxx!  Walk the doggie

6:20 shower, get dressed, check e-mail, putter around usually doing something stupid like play a puzzle game on the computer.  This is my alone time.  Workday starts at 8:00 am

9:00 am- arrive at work.  Boss thanks me for my ongoing committment to punctuality.  Gank some topical lidocaine for mysterious hand disease.

9:30 check work email.  check google reader for massive amounts of blog updates and skim.

10:30 Phone rings.  I prepare myself to spring into action on behalf of animal welfare.

Me: "Hello Veterinary Services"

Doctor: "How do you spell Mark's last name?"

false alarm. Decide to do some Etsy browsing.

11:30 start thinking about frozen yogurt

11:35 Boss enters office

Boss: "Anything new with that god damn XYZ [name of doctor] situation?"

Me: "They want to do a mediation"

Boss: "Cancel that.  Tell him if he doesn't pay the charges for the oxygen tanks I will rip that [points to restrained O2 tank] off the wall and smash it over his head"

Me: "I'm not saying that to him"

Boss: [ranting beligerently...i tune out and it sounds like,] "god damnit god damn surgery god damn per diem fuck fuck bullshit bottles of isoflurane god damn"

12:00 play a few rounds of battleship online

12:30 check etiquette hell and the local news

1:00 it's frozen yogurt time.  Try to find Taryn, a co-worker/friend, to accompany me. 

1:15 Can't find Taryn through gchat.  Send her the following:

 

me: YOGURT

yooooogurtttt

helllllo?

Sent at 1:03 PM on Tuesday

me: i'm gonna kick your ass until your head falls off

Sent at 1:14 PM on Tuesday

zone out for about 20 minutes looking at the ends of my hair and pulling off the split ones

1:45 more etsy and blog browsing

2:30 frozen yogurt time.  FINALLY.  strawberrys and cream

3:00 Shakira comes on the radio in the cage washing room.  Run in for the daily dance party with the cage washers.  I may not speak Tagalog and they may not speak English but we all speak the international language of the dance.

3:10 Boss is back. He wants to update me on the lawsuit he has going on with his neighbors.  Listen to about 30 minutes of this laced with profanity

4:00 Time to go home! On the bus think of what tasty morsels of wisdom I shall feed my blogging fans (none).  Make notes if necessary.   Phew, I'm beat!  I could use a drink. 

And that's just the work day!  I think if you knew what I did AFTER work your heads would explode from the sheer magnitude of it all.

 

Can't stop laughing...tears....

source

Mystery Time part 3

Greetings Gumshoes,

I hope this post finds you well.  We've made a solid start in the profiling of our unknown subject (unsub).  First, let's go over what we appear to know:

-Female with at least 2 children

-lives in a home with a garage if in this neighborhood (likely) woman will be very comfortable financially

-she shops at pottery barn and is interested in home decor.  Seems to be in the process of doing several home improvement projects.  Obviously a hobby of the more leisurely class.

I have some other thoughts.  The lists are written in tedious detail.  You don't often see people write themselves reminders to do small tasks like bring dishes to the first floor.  Most people would probably write "do the dishes.  or "gather and do the dishes"  This attention to detail could mean a type-a personality.  However, a type-a personality would probably not have dishes scattered around the house at any given time.  The attention to detail is also in stark juxtaposition to the sloppy handwriting and failure to use the pre-printed lines.  This is a woman who is struggling to be perfect upper middle class wife and mother.  always prepared and put together and makes it seem effortless.

Here is a new page that I hope will unlock more of our Unsub's psyche:

TOOTH PAIN!!????  MEXICO!!!??? HIP HOP???!!!!!

Gumshoes, I'm afraid this is much bigger than we ever imagined.  I'm going to need your best interpretations as you are the best and the brightest.

Good luck.

Sincerely,

Detective Havisham